Fart: A Documentary Movie Script

( farting ) Uh, Dad say, "No more farts! " When she farts, it's always funny Even if it smells When I fart, it's only sometimes funny Depending on a lot of factors But when the dog farts, it can be hilarious To downright goddamn dangerous That air is toxic Better hold your breath Dog farts How unfortunate, oh Dog farts Someone open a window Dog farts I think he woke himself up With that one I thought, at last!

Somebody's making a film about farting.

That's been a long time coming.

I have to say at first when you said that you were gonna do a documentary on farting, and I thought, - Oh, my. Yeah.

- Who's gonna want to watch that?

The first thing I said was, "How can I be a part of this?" Dog farts How can a creature so little - Dog farts - Make a smell so huge?

Because it's-- it's a very interesting subject and-- and underexplored, and it's worthy of closer attention.

- ( farting ) - ( audience laughs ) I'm now going to warm up-- warm up my sphincter myself with a bit of classical music.

( audience laughs )

Man:

My name is-- Do you want my real name, or both names?

Real name is Paul Oldfield.

But my alter ego, because like any superhero I need an alter ego when I perform my superhuman abilities.

- ( farting )

- Man:

Oh!

So I metamorphasize into Mr. Methane.

Male interviewer: How-- how do you-- how do you prepare yourself before you perform?

Um, I've been upstairs in the dressing room doing lots of stretches and warm-ups.

- Okay.

- So, I've been tensing using abdominals so we're now fully relaxed.

- Okay, I see.

- So, uh... They say in Spain and Brazil, Seor Matano.

Okay, so, uh-- uh, what kind of activity are we gonna see first?

First of all, I've got a little bit of fine talcum powder and I'm going to sprinkle a little bit on my bottom so people can actually see that I am breaking wind.

- Okay, so it's not a fake.

- That's exactly-- Because obviously people sat at home... - Uh... - ( audience laughing ) - These... - Yeah.