Fart: A Documentary Movie Script

Oh.

( bell tinkling )

Woman:

On the first day of Christmas My true love said to me 'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a-- ( farting ) Ho ho ho ho!

Santa Claus was saying "The Night Before Christmas" and he let it rip and he'd laugh and then he'd modify his story a little bit to include it.

It was a-- yeah, it's a strange thing.

And all the cookies, I hold in my cap, I had just settled down to take a big-- ( farting uncontrollably ) It's just-- it's beginning to smell a lot like Christmas!

( farting continues ) ( laughing ) Here comes Santa Claus.

( farting ) ( laughing )

Radio DJ:

Ooh wee!

Ever notice how possum taters and chicken fried antlers go right through ya?

- She'll be comin' around - ( farts ) - She'll be comin' around - ( farts ) She'll be coming round the mountain - When she comes - ( farts ) I think they normally complain, but are laughing on the inside.

No, we complain about the smell.

That's a whole 'nother thing.

( speaking native language ) ( chattering ) Lots of comedy in the UK is actually based around, uh, farting, isn't it?

Good-- yeah, I like the idea.

Bloody good.

He try-- I think when people onstage get nervous, the muscle tenses up, they're unable to fart it's very difficult to come up here and fart.

When my daughter was little, she'd sit on my lap and she'd fart and, "Oh, my God." Jaken, you're the king of walking by someone and farting and then leaving.

What do we call that?

( muttering ) whispering: You know, crop dusting.

Crop dusting.

( laughing ) There was a time and a place though, but my Mom and Dad when we would go to the grocery store, my Dad would, you know, leave one somewhere waiting for my Mom to walk in and it'd be like... ( laughing ) Or you're walking through the mall or something, you're like, oh my God, what is that...?

'Cause you know it wasn't you.

But somebody left that market and there is no one there.

It was that bad that it just kinda sat there for a while.