Fart: A Documentary Movie Script

But then we have to put a cork in there.

I have a crazy story that I don't even know why I'm admitting this.

But I was dating a man and we were at a hotel and I felt a fart coming on and I grabbed the blanket and I pulled it up and I stuffed it in and it was the worst thing I ever could have done.

I don't know whether the acceptability of family farting varies much from family to family.

I guess it must.

I mean, I'm sure the Queen and Prince Philip don't sit there watching TV at night, ripping them off, do they?

- No.

- I'm sure they do.

So they, "Call the butler to bring the air freshener in, will you?" Maybe they do.

I don't know.

The poor guy got to bed and he said, "What're you trying to do, kill me?" I couldn't be with somebody that didn't think that was the funniest thing in the whole wide world.

I grew up with my parents having farting contests.

They would start at the top of the stairs and see who could go down and who could keep farting down the-- - Oh, my gosh.

- That's how I grew up.

People that don't think it's funny... Did you have to eat a special meal before you did that?

Well, the cousins-- We all have special foods that we would eat - and have farting contests.

- ( all laughing ) Growing up, it was not something that was easily talked about.

It was kind of said to be something that you didn't want to do in public.

( farting to "The Blue Danube" ) ( audience guffawing ) ( cheers and applause ) Yeah, the people-- like my best friend in the world that does not think that it's funny.

So it's twice as funny to me.

So I try to, like, lock all the windows and I'll be like, "Oh, did you-- Oh, guess what?" I had the exact opposite upbringing.

You know, my Dad was all about farting and, you know, just... He, uh-- we would drive around in the car-- he's a classic rock fan, and he would always try to fart to the tunes.

- And when-- - ( chuckles ) uh, "Smoke On The Water" by Deep Purple was on, and that's like his shining moment when he perfectly just released a fart to "Smoke On The Water." It was amazing.

( farting in sync with "Smoke on the Water" ) Your story is completely different from mine growing up.

Because I didn't fart as a child.