Fart: A Documentary Movie Script

Dr. Wycoff: And the mile-per-hour one is news to me.

Ah, that very well may be true.

I'm not sure how you measure that.

The 14-- I've heard anywhere from an eight to 20 as being the normal range for most people.

Oftentimes, you know, flatulence is passed when you're sleeping or in a way that you don't even notice you're passing it but, uh, 14 is probably right and seven miles-per-hour, it sounds good to me.

Female interviewer: Right, yeah, - I don't know either.

- I don't know how you measure.

- Right.

- Maybe they have a meter.

A flat-o-meter or something.

Or a slow-motion camera.

I don't know.

Maybe-- maybe that's it.

There's a whole study of flatalogy.

So, uh, maybe they've studied it.

Well, that was laid on me.

You know, the people said, "Well, can we call you a 'fartologist?'" And I said, "Well, sure." And, you know-- and it-- it-- it helps sell books, I suppose.

Male interviewer: So, what is the definition of a "fartologist," I guess.

Well, a "fartologist" is somebody who has been studying all the-- the-- the, um-- phenomena of farting.

Female narrator: When forcing a poop... - ( fart noise ) - ...sometimes a fart will take place in a rapid machine-gun fashion.

( farting ) Possibly as a result of drinking too much - or of feeling sick.

- ( fart sound ) When this happens, keep calm and wait until the bathroom is cleared before planning your exit.

I don't care anymore.

I used to keep it in or I-- I used to go to the bathroom... In our family there was a rating system.

You know, there were-- there were five of us including the dog, and Dad was top, our daughter was number two stinky, then was my son, then was the dog, then was me, because I made the system.